Day 59: Sharing my Practice

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Last night during my trying-to-be-more-consistent yoga practice, I had this moment of sudden wisdom. Occasionally, a thought comes into my head that feels too weighted to just be a thought. They are thoughts that can't be shook off or easily replaced by a new thought. They are thoughts that linger, steep, find their way into every bit of my body.  These are thoughts not to be ignored. These are more than thoughts, they are truth.

So last night, as I was moving from one pose to the next, it hit me: I chose to be spiritually alone. I don't think I really know the full truth of that statement, but there is something so right and almost comforting about this realization.

Without recounting the entirety of my spiritual life, I will state simply that I've felt alone through the journey. Maybe everyone does. Maybe that is the essence of the spiritual life. Maybe that is the fate of many of us living in a secular world without a secure and solid spiritual community around us. I don't know. But what I do know is that I've always felt out-of-place in some way. I've always longed for the spiritual community that I see others have, but I am unable to commit myself fully to any particular tradition. Usually, I say I am unaffiliated, which is a more neutral way of saying, "I'm spiritual, but just not religious."

In that flash that formed in my mind last night, I saw that so much of my life has been governed by this "

aloneness

" and I felt in that moment that it was not by chance or because of some wrongness with the world, but because there was a sacred choice I made when I come into this life that I would find my own path. It is amazing the power in recognizing one's choices.

Immediately after having that thought, I felt so thankful for my choice. I feel like I am free to find the divine in my own way, make up my own rituals, my own rites of passage, my own practices. I feel free instead of stranded.

***

I write this post in the aftermath of our second

Tea + Meditation

event. In all this aloneness, in cultivating the space within me, in my own way, I've found the profound connections this can create. Because I don't have a distinct community, all are my community. Tonight, nine of us shared a pot of tea and a moment together. All in our own space, yet we all affected the space for us all. I found myself saying, "You have a place, and that place is important." Then I hear the grandmother voice of wisdom within me whisper to the curious child beside her, "That means you too."

If I wasn't holding this space for others, those words wouldn't have emerged. They think I am leading the meditation, but I am being led too.

Day 58: Early Mornings

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Most mornings I don't want to get out of bed. Not in the I'm-so-depressed-way but in the gosh-sleep-is-one-of-the-best-things-ever-please-more kind of ways. Being cuddled up under a blanket is one of probably my most favorite things in the world, especially after I've been laying there asleep for several hours. I'm warm, relaxed, a bit drowsy, nothing seems better than to keep sleeping.  It's amazing I ever get up at all. 

But, once I am up and moving, I feel so inspired by early mornings. It seems like more gets done and that it is easier to relax at the end of a day. It feels like it is the way a day was meant to be spent, seeing the full spectrum of the sun's hues, sunrise and sunset.  

I've been saying that I've been working on willing myself to be a morning person because I want to cherish the time of early morning.  I've gotten better but have longer to go. We will see how it goes tomorrow morning...

Day 57: Contemplation

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I was blessed to get to spend some time this morning in contemplation. It is similar to time spend in the morning reading that I've also expressed a love for, but contemplation time is a bit different. It has some writing, some reading, some thinking, some moving, some breathing. Really I just allowed myself the time and space to explore "me."

Though I know and feel the immense importance of such time, I don't always end up with sufficient contemplation time.  But I made up for it today, and what do you know, I discovered a few things.

Where does your contemplation bring you?

Day 56: Un-perfectionism

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Though I do prefer order and neatness over messy chaos, I am cool with some mess, enough to not consider myself a perfectionist. And I think that in the long run, it saves me a bunch of stress.

When I first got into doing decorative painting, I loved it so much and learned quickly that if I wanted to enjoy it for more than 5 min. I had to push aside my need to paint straight lines, or have the "right" colors, or even know all the details of the project.  It allowed me to make several super-creative pieces that I often gave away as gifts.  I noticed that those "mess-ups" that I might find I wanted to point out and apologize for were never noticed by anyone else.

Creation is mess, and almost everything is creation. If it's not creation, it is most likely destruction and we know that is messy. So then if something isn't messy, it's boring and possibly dead. I am grateful to be on the path of making peace with all this. But you know, that too, ain't neat either.

Day 55: Beach Weddings

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Even more thankful for beach weddings the day after my birthday! My dear friend, Penny, got married yesterday at a cute place on St. Pete Beach. Since it was my birthday the day before I decided to turn it into a little weekend getaway.

And SO glad I did! The past year or so I've gotten a lot better at taking some time off every couple months. Because of the nature of my job, I rarely have weekends and end up doing some kind of work everyday. I've realized a direct correlation between my productivity and enjoyment of work with the frequency of "time off."  This weekend's relaxation, reconnection, and party time was just what I needed when I needed it.

Oh, and did I mention how much fun the it all was? So fun.

Day 53: More Hosts

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So we've been running this Open Mic at Cafe Hey for 4 1/2 years. First it began with me and my friend Penny, but about a year into it we realized that we needed some help. I recruited one of our regular poets to start to host too, and shortly after we had another poet step up and say that he wanted to host. Since then we've had a solid team of the four of us, and would take turns with the responsibility of hosting.

I've been so grateful over the years for this commitment that the others have made. It is hard work running a show every week and it's a lot for just one or two people to manage. I don't think we would have made it this far without help.

And with help, we are going a long way. It's gonna be awesome.

Day 52: Off Work Early

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I love my job, pretty sure I've said that before. I can work all day long and still feel great by the end of the day. That being said, it does feel good to be home sooner than expected.

Today was a long day. We started with meeting with my new doula client at 9am this morning. After some office work and lunch I saw two clients pretty much back-to-back. Then I started to get ready for my next client who called right about then to say they couldn't make it. Though I would have loved to work on them, the cancellation was a relief. I got to finish up the office work I didn't get to earlier and even run to the store to get some last minute supplies for my doula bag.

Last minute cancellations are not always a bad thing. Looks like someone gets to put her feet up. Ahhhhh....

Day 51: Free Yoga

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Did you know that you get a free yoga class at the

Lotus Pond

during the week of your birthday? I didn't until an email appeared in my inbox yesterday. So tonight I totally took advantage.

I've only been to the Lotus Pond a handful of times, mostly for kirtan (Indian call and response chanting) events. But every time, I am transported by the beauty of the space. I feel like I am away on a mountain retreat, though I'm only a few steps away from my day-to-day life.

Well, their marketing worked because I've decided that the 20-25 min. drive is SO WORTH IT. Lotus Pond, may I see you again very soon.

Day 50: Emotional Release

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For the past few weeks, I've felt that I needed to do a breath session. In the advanced bodywork system that I studied (

Structural Energetic Therapy

), we learned a technique in releasing emotional energy in the body that we call Emotional Energy Release Therapy, Emotional Release Therapy, Emotional Release,...you get the idea. It is based on techniques used in Alexander Lowen's therapy called Bioenergetics. We use a process of continuous, facilitated, deep breathing to charge the body with energy, break through energetic/emotional blockages, and allow more life/awareness/consciousness to flow through our body.

I've been feeling for a few weeks that I was due for a session. I would find myself being more upset about things than I knew I needed to be, or taking a long time to let something small go.  There were times of heaviness, of a lingering sense of unease, of only being able to see the things that were not going my way. I know better than this, but the funk was still there. Its because our bodies hold onto way more than we need it to, often the negative thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Those then come to shape our reality in negative ways, perpetuating the problem, and sometimes it is hard to get out of it.

As much as I didn't want to do a breath session today, my neck had been hurting the past few days and my throat was even a little sore (I think from yelling a lot this weekend at the Dance Party), I did it anyway. I breathed deeply in and out, knowing that I'd feel better in the end. I cried, yelled, screamed, even got up and hit the punching bag. I felt tingling throughout my body, a large concentration in a band around my diapragm/mid-torso and my hands. I got insights on the truly important things in life.

So many things went through my mind; though much of it are things that I worry about, I feel much better about them now. They don't have the charge they did previously. There is this feeling that everything really will BE OKAY.  I feel lighter and more clear-headed. Again, like whenever I return to yoga, I think, "What the heck took me so long?"

Oh yeah, and that neck pain, totally don't have it anymore. Amazing.